Congratulations! Maybe.
Add together all numbers in the Triumph box. This is your campaign rank, from 0 to 40.
Rank 0-9: “Drunk Austrian”
The Battle of Karansebes, 1788, in which a battle occurred between drunk Austrians and Austrians who wanted to be drunk.
We hope for your personal pride that alcohol WAS involved in your debacle. Otherwise, yeesh...
Rank 10-14: “Pile Driven”
Kert System, 2278, when the captain of the starcruiser Magellan trusted his faulty navigation system and pile-drove his ship into the gas planet Inki.
What inanimate object are you going to blame for your own disaster?
Rank 15-18: “Out of Steam”
Titanic, 1912. We all strike icebergs in our lives. Your coaching career just happened to hit a really big one.
At least there were survivors, and you likely did a good job of rearranging the team assignments while Dropkick was sinking.
Rank 19-22: “Biggsley”
This is Edmund Biggsley, who lived with his mum in Wilshire in the 1600’s. He raised chickens and dreamed of the sweet city girls, who ignored him.
He is remembered in history as much as your coaching career.
Rank 23-26: “Not Quite Awesome”
Like the quadcycle machine gun, you had great ideas as coach, but they never completely came together.
This invention had a decent ending, leading to the armored car. Perhaps a coaching redo will be more glorious?
Rank 27-31: “Pretty Good”
This is Emperor Jiajing of the Chinese Ming Dynasty. He was a pretty good emperor. Not amazing, but pretty good.
Like you. Your coaching turned out pretty good. Not amazing, but pretty good.
Rank 32-34: “Solid”
Jack Dempsey of 1920s boxing fame was a heavyweight champ for years running. He boxed with power and aggressiveness. Even Ironhead agrees he was solid.
Your coaching was solid, too. A job well done.
Rank 35-37: “Sweet Business”
Bob McCormack and his brother-in-law Gregory Keller brought the candy cane into mass production in the early 20th century. Now that’s some sweet business.
Being this good of a coach is some sweet business, too
Rank 38-39: “THIS Close”
This is George Henry Thomas, without argument the best general of the American Civil War. But some other fancy yahoos stole his thunder of greatness.
Like you, he knows what it feels like to be THIS close.
Rank 40+: “A Perfect Yi”
Admiral Yi almost single-handedly stopped a Japanese invasion of Korea in the 1500s.
Although grossly outnumbered, he sank hundreds of Japanese ships at a loss of only a handful of his throughout the war.
You should be aware by now that achieving a perfect rank in Dropkick is extremely difficult. And yet here you are.
Admiral Yi’s level of victories will never be beaten. Just like your rank.
